Joke : Monkey in the bar

Alexandre · Post by **Alexandre** » June 1st, 2006, 8:33 am

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"

rokonacdc · Post by **rokonacdc** » June 1st, 2006, 4:06 pm

THATS THE STUPIDEST JOKE I HAVE EVER HEARD (SORRY ABOUT THE CAPITALS MY KEYBOARD IS MESSED UP)

thut · Post by **thut** » June 2nd, 2006, 9:56 am

rokonacdc wrote:(SORRY ABOUT THE CAPITALS MY KEYBOARD IS MESSED UP)

Try pressing caps lock

rokonacdc · Post by **rokonacdc** » June 2nd, 2006, 4:00 pm

IT DOESNT WORK, SEE (PUSHES CAPS LOCK REPEATEDLY)

Ondrej.Cibulka · Post by **Ondrej.Cibulka** » June 7th, 2006, 12:57 pm

Maybe you have set-up canceling of CapsLock by pressing shift. As me on my keyboard.

rokonacdc · Post by **rokonacdc** » June 7th, 2006, 3:12 pm

i had my step-dad work on it and now it is fixed

~folder~of~paper~ · Post by **~folder~of~paper~** » July 26th, 2006, 7:01 am

That joke is sick! Funny, BUT sick! . . . got anymore?

origami93 · Post by **origami93** » July 26th, 2006, 7:38 pm

i've got a blonde joke.

a blonde, a brunette, and a red head all die and go into the clouds where they see a lot of stairs. God shows up and says,"there are a total of 3,000 steps. every time you reach a total of 1,000 steps i will tell you a joke. if one of you laugh, you will go to Hell."

they start climbing stairs. at the 1,000th step, God appears and tells a joke. the red head starts to laugh, so she goes to Hell. at the 2,000th step, God appears and tells another joke. the brunnete laughs, so she goes to Hell. at the 3000th step, the blonde can see the gates of Heaven. God appears, and the blonde bursts out laughing. God says," i didn't tell the joke yet, so why are you laughing?" the blonde says," i just got the first joke!"

rokonacdc · Post by **rokonacdc** » July 26th, 2006, 9:59 pm

Aznman · Post by **Aznman** » July 27th, 2006, 3:02 am

A blond is driving around in Idaho. She sees another blond out in a cornfield rowing a row boat. The first blond pulls over and starts yelling at the second. "You know? it's you dumb blonds who get us blonds in trouble, and if I could swim, I'd come out there and kill you!"

Here are a bunch of one liners, instant pleasure.

I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
You canâ€™t have everything; where would you put it?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
Nuke the whales.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
If at first you donâ€™t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.
I donâ€™t find it hard to meet expenses. Thereâ€™re everywhere
Donâ€™t steal. The government hates competition
IRS: Weâ€™ve got what it takes, to take what youâ€™ve got.
Honk if you like peace and quit.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A day without sunshine is like night.
What another word for â€œthesaurusâ€

origami93 · Post by **origami93** » July 27th, 2006, 3:21 am

Q:how did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A:she fell out of the tree!

Joseph Wu · Post by **Joseph Wu** » July 27th, 2006, 3:49 am

Q: How does a blonde tell a joke?
A: Twice!

Aznman · Post by **Aznman** » July 27th, 2006, 4:23 am

Q: How do you make a blond's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear

~folder~of~paper~ · Post by **~folder~of~paper~** » July 27th, 2006, 11:13 am

I'm a blonde but I love taking the mickey out of me...
This one's a bit weird tho...
A blonde and a brunette are playing with their beach ball when it goes over the fence and is punctured. They decide that the brunette will go and buy one and with the small amount of money left, she will sms the blonde using a payphone and the blonde will go and pick the brunette and the beach ball up. The brunette buys the ball for $9.60 and only has enough money for a one word text. What word does she choose? Comfortable. (For all those blondes out there say it out aloud slowly)

Tjips · Post by **Tjips** » July 28th, 2006, 3:43 pm

OK, I can't help it, I'll stoop to that level.

The blonde is happily walking through the forest picking twiggs and the like when she happens on a river. She can't see any way across it so she starts walking. As she walks along the river she sees a blonde walking in the opposite direction along the other bank, so she screams: "Hey, how do I get to the other side?" The other blonde stops, looks at her, looks up and down the river then shouts back: "You are on the other side!"

Another one.

The seven dwarves go to the pope and Dopey asks him:
"Pope, are there dwarve nuns?"
"No", the pope replies.
The other six dwarves start laughing and one of them says to Dopey:
"I can't believe you screwed a penguin!!!"